I'll Stand By You

A good friend of mine asked if my husband knew about how I was feeling after I shared this blog with her.  The thing is, he does, to a certain extent, but he doesn't know how often the scary thoughts cross my brain, multiple times a day.  

And although I'm close to my mom, I don't mention anything about these thoughts because they make her feel bad, and she has enough of her own intense things to be dealing with right now--and even if she didn't, knowing your daughter feels this way and has these thoughts could be hard for any mother to deal with, to figure out how to manage in her own brain.  But I also want her to know that I'm not happy where I am, with my weight, so she knows I'm not just complacent about it, because she and my father worry about it.  Her mom harassed her about her weight, so she's been great about not doing the same to me, but sometimes I wonder if the conversation would open up the opportunity to talk a little more about my struggle, so she just plain knows.  

But my own experiences so far in my life have made me commit to being there for my daughters, as much as they'll let me.  I struggled to feel like their mother after being separated from them for 15 hours after their birth, never even laying my eyes on them until 15 hours after they were born (and the head of OB at the hospital I gave birth at said there was no real reason to, as I suspected, except that the staff didn't get their act together to make it happen).  One thing that really made me realize that I'm their mother, and that I'm going to do everything within my power to never not be there for them again was the scene from Glee when Finn sings "I'll Stand By You" to the image of "his" baby's ultrasound.

But first, before I can stand by my daughters, I need to learn to stand by myself.  I need to learn to be my friend instead of my own worst enemy.  That is so hard at this point!  So my next order of business is figuring out things I can do to show myself compassion and turn being my own worst enemy into being my friend.  I won't push myself to be my own best friend, not yet--the perfection that suggests is too much for me, the expectation too high so I just wouldn't try--but at least I can learn to be a friend to myself.  Any suggestions?  What works for you?