I just want to know I have value. I know in my head I must, but I think that's what it comes down to for many people, is just knowing that their lives have value. God must have thought I had enough value to bestow to me two daughters, so thankfully I have that to show for my life, but other than that, I often wonder, I really wonder.
I think a lot of this came from tying value to what I did. If I did well at something, I had value. If I didn't, my value was much, much smaller, if I retained it at all. Where did I pick this up in the first place?? I believe in a God that gives grace and mercy to everyone--and I mean everyone--but why do I question my own self-worth and wonder if I have even enough value for him to give that grace and mercy to me. Maybe if I work hard enough, I always told myself, I'd be good enough for the people around me to love me, for my family and friends to love me, for God to love me.
But I'm tired of trying. I've been burned so many times in my life by trying my hardest and best, giving my all, I don't know how I can find the strength to go on, to try and loose this weight, instead of being on this endless gaining session.
No wonder my husband doesn't want me, I've gained about 140 lbs since I met him 8 years ago. Ugh. I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Or at least sleep forever and a day.
So how are you doing? Are things going better?
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